The best way to understand your partner is to first understand yourself.
Here is the thing. It is easy to assume those around us have the same beliefs as us. We are just ego-centric like that.
But, even siblings can have different thoughts and beliefs when it comes to money. So, how could you expect that special someone in your life to think just like you do?
Remember on Monday, when I discussed how money is the second most common contributing factor in breakups? That is because we go into a relationship assuming we will be on the same page, when in reality we may never be able to agree.
If spending all the available cash to pay off the credit card balance each month gives one of you peace of mind. but not having cash on hand makes the other anxious, how do you decide what to do?
Does one of you like to take a hands off approach when it comes to paying the bills, trusting the other to take care of everything or will you be making decisions together? (hopefully not both of you are the “hands off” type!)
Does one of you feel like to have to scrimp and save while the other enjoys splurging? This was part of yesterday’s post. If one person demands things be done their way, the other is going to quickly feel stifled and start looking for loopholes- or just rebel.
Do either of you believe that talking about potential problems could bring them into existence? If so, you may not want to discuss insurance, wills, or other unwanted topics. But, as discussed Wednesday, not talking about it now could cause far more discomfort and embarrassment in the future.
Birthdays and holidays are another hot button. If one person comes from a family that gives large gifts and the other comes from a family that gives smaller, token gifts (even if both sides purchase heartfelt gifts), there could be resentments and frustrations on both sides. This could be passed on to your children. They may see one side of the family as “loving them more”.
So, what can you do?
Fortunately, all of these things are a matter of mindset. Anything that you believe has been learned. And anything that has been learned can be unlearned and relearned.
In other words, you can delete and reinstall your thoughts and beliefs just like you can delete and reinstall programs on your computer.
It may take a little time and effort or you could find that just questioning them is enough to realize they are not your beliefs, but something that was handed down to you.
The easiest way to figure it out is to discuss your beliefs and thoughts with your partner. When you have a thought pop into your head or say something out loud, write it down. When you have a few minutes, think about where that thought came from. Is it serving you? Is it something you really want to hold on to? Doing this with someone else could speed up the process because they will notice things before you do.
Try to keep emotions out of it. If you approach this as if it were an experiment, it may make it easier to let go of the things you really do not want anymore. Try to see how many beliefs you can uncover and review.
In doing so, you will learn a lot about yourself and each other. And, you will be less likely to be a statistic.
All of these topics are covered in my Money Mom Academy, an 8-module program with tons of group and 1:1 support. The best part is that is has no expiration date so you can learn on your own schedule and focus on the topics that interest you most. Email me for more information.
And, of course, let me know if you have any questions about the topics I have covered. I love to talk about all things money, finances, investing, and money mindset!
Lastly, if there is anything you would like me to cover, please let me know.